I sit with the screen in front of me, coffee by my side, my dogs playing and loving life. I had a great conversation with my grandfather yesterday. I won’t go into detail on the specific nature of the conversation, because it’s personal, a private matter. What I will say is that I finally knew my grandfather understood what I’d believed to be true for a long time now, and he agreed that I was right, in a sense. Good enough for me. Maybe the finer details aren’t dead on accurate, but in essence what I’ve observed to be true, finally reveals itself to be what I always knew it to be.

In some ways, the validation from my grandfather, aunt and uncle, was exactly what I needed to move past this barrier in my mental state. The barrier is a cardboard cutout, and all I had to do this whole time was simply push it over, and continue living my life.

These past few years I’ve gone my own way. In some ways, the universe spoke, and it became pure destiny for me to begin my own life. While I still have support, it’s not what it was when I had a safety net. And, I still have a safety net, it’s just smaller and less stretchy, so I can’t fall from too high up or I’ll seriously hurt myself. I finally don’t have to worry about shelter, or living in fear that I’ll be kicked to the curb. Worked through that debacle. The rest I can manage. I do get by with a little help from my friends. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do sure as shit help me the best they are able to help. That counts for a whole lot right now.

Now is the time for me to write and publish fiction stories, along with these essays. The essays are free, since I feel insights and observations shouldn’t cost a dime. I could be wrong, and if I am, the only thing you lose is some of your time. I didn’t fleece you, didn’t ask for your money in exchange for what I have to say. Although, I will ask you for a small price to read my fiction. Of course you’ll have a digital copy, or a paperback, which seems to be a fair enough trade. Give me and Amazon some money, and you get a book. As a reader, I’m all about this. Some authors have even kindly gifted me their books, on the house! That’s REALLY awesome. I need to get back to reading more often so I can leave some reviews of praise for these amazing authors I’ve met.

Right now I’m a cat with about two or three lives left before eternal damnation becomes my being. I have come across as a real asshole to some people with skin in the game. I refer to myself as a cat because I’ve burned through about six or seven lives already: I can’t afford to lose any more lives. This kitty has to be a proper kitten, not some back alley stray. Right now I kind of let things be. I don’t interact with people I used to as much, because I feel that unless I’m a sycophant, I come across as meaningless. Which isn’t a good feeling. I can help build your world, or I can get busy building my world. I choose to build my world, or worlds, and see where that takes me. These essays are in essence supplementary research for my fiction writing. I am very much a German in that, I don’t like being embarrassed, or to look mediocre, or simple-minded. Fuck the Nazis and Adolf Hitler- before those jerks did what they did, Germans were seen as hardworking people. People who were dedicated to their craft. Of designing and building cars, or architecture, or art. I have that German drive to be the best at what I do. Not a competition, no- just to be the best I can be at what I do. Why wouldn’t I want to be a spectacular professional?

I will give praise to authors I like, just not as often. Balance, grounded, all that good shit. I want people to know that I do respect their art, respect them as an artist. It’s healthy to uplift people with genuine and authentic praise. Truly, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. It means on some levels, the individual more than succeeded, like- a super uber success. So cool.

I’ve rambled on enough. I go now to sip more coffee. Then hop into this world I’m writing about fiction wise for a few hours. Churn some butter. Make some milk. Add in some honey. Food dye for effects. Maybe some dry ice in the background coming out of a cauldron. Shit like that.

Okay, over and out.

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