I’ve said stuff that I shouldn’t have said. Stuff that, no one likes to hear. Stuff that makes people afraid of me.

It’s clear that there is a distinct difference between what we say versus what we think. Thoughts can come and go. For the most part I believe we all do our best to keep our thoughts healthy and positive. Even for authors and poets of horror, deep down I do feel that we all want to feel content within. At peace, comfortable with ourselves.

Pain sucks. The bottom line is that sometimes pain is unavoidable. In fact most always pain is unavoidable. To feel pain, is the worst.

I suffer from a mood disorder. Wish I could tell you what specific mood disorder, although I also wish my doctor had told me that as well. That way I would know more about my mental illness. Perhaps better combat against the stress-induced psychotic breaks.

Yes, that’s right- I’ve had quite a few stress-induced psychotic breaks. I consider them minor, based on past breakdowns. Yet many consider them major breakdowns. I can sense that I’ve literally frightened the shit out of people online. Disturbed them, with my disturbing babble.

I can’t undo anything I’ve already done in this life. I can learn on my own how to do better. I can identify what leads to these downward spirals. By doing so I can level back out. I can see that I’m going to crash and burn before it happens. Therefore, I adjust for fire.

What helps me re-direct myself? I do my best to have many outlets. When I write I feel a weight lifted from me. When I read, a similar feeling occurs. When I meditate I am content. When I remove myself from the equation, I am not anxious, nervous, or concerned.

There are only so many fucks I can give each day. Once I run out of fucks to give, that’s it- no more fucks left. The wild part of this is I get to choose what I give a fuck about. Moving forward, I’m in cruise mode. The journey isn’t a race. Life isn’t a rank system. Macklemore said, “everything is gold, everyone is equal”. We all are winners. So what’s the rush? I cruise the road in front of me. See where it goes. I’m open to everything, attached to nothing.

Do I mean to say I’ve figured life out, or that I’m woke, or that I’ve transcended my ego? Not at all. I mean to say life is a balancing act. I can say what I do matters, that it’s important, and that would sort of be true; I can also say nothing really matters, and that is also sort of true. Freddy Mercury wrote a song about it, I’m sure you know the song.

I do NOT know how to save a life. I do NOT know how to live “THE RIGHT WAY”. Do whatever you want. I’m going to spread ideas fueled by the imagination. I’m going to continue to write because I love to write. I’ll continue to write fiction stories. And I will NOT apologize for my work, ever again. If you feel I fleeced you, ask Amazon for a refund.

Emotional attachment leads to suffering, or something like that.

I can verify this concept. EVERY SINGLE TIME I get attached to people emotionally, the fallout between us becomes inevitable. The more I go with the flow, the better off I am. To let another flow, to go with that individual’s flow, is magical. To listen and put myself in that individual’s shoes. To have empathy for all living creatures. To consider what it would be like to be you.

And what I can also verify, from my walks in life, is that NONE of us have it easy. Sure, money makes life easier in many ways, I’d be a straight up fool to claim otherwise. However, money is an object. An object that we give to people or companies for other objects. We are human BEINGS. We are NOT objects, us humans. Nor is any organic life form an object. Something to consider. Also, for some reason I’m reminded of the golden circle principle. Or, LOOK HOMEWARD, ANGEL, by Thomas Wolfe (not Tom Wolfe- although Tom Wolfe is also a literary beast-author…was? Are you still alive, Tom Wolfe? Uh, google probably knows).

So that’s it. I can never apologize enough to win back the people I scared the literal shit from. These people have already passed judgment upon my being, and I’m pretty sure they’re convinced I’m a threat to society.

I can prove them wrong, and be a hero as I overcome and champion my mental illness. It’s not about haha, don’t you feel silly now. No. It’s to prove that I’m not a nefarious, low-down lying son of a gun. To prove that I’m not perfect, but so what. I want to live in peace. I keep to myself for the most part, and am good with the solitude. I finally accept me for me. I can feel depressed, but I don’t have to become psychotically angry, venting poison on social media. I can be depressed and ride it out. Hang in there is really solid advice. I mean, what else can one say? I’m sorry, yes. Hang in there, ride it out- phrases such as these are, well, the best advice I can offer to others going through pain, be it mental or physical.

I’m really long winded, and will wind this think machine down for now. I will post again sometime today. I’ve more to say. Time waits for no one, and it won’t wait for me. Means I gotta stay working. Stay busy. Stay focused. Precise detail. Fluid motion.

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