Feelings, Uhm…

Consistent feelings are sensations. Oh what, though? Maybe energy. Maybe the energy, well it, somehow adds emotions. To feel, is to be emotional? I’m not really sure about that question, in fact, I don’t know.

I do know that I feel emotions. I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel excited, I feel horny, I feel bitter, I feel anger, I feel rage, I feel disappointment. I feel lonely. The emotions come and go, and yes, I feel them. I can sense when I’m on my game, I can also sense when I’m a crazy train, one who has gone off the rails.

So the question I ask myself is, how do I stay on my game? How can I be consistent in letting myself feel, sense, and compute emotions in a fluid, precise way?

Surely I’m no machine, as much as I think it’d be pretty cool to be like Darth Vader. In the end, Vader returned to that humanity that was in him as a child, when he was still Anakin Skywalker. You’ll often hear me reference movies, music, books, titles. I do that so that maybe those of you reading can relate to what I’m attempting to say.

How do I dwell in a state of mind that is always on? On point, on game.

Well, I believe the first step is knowing, it’s all a game, it’s all an act. We’re all performing. Even when we relax, we’re performing as someone who enjoys (fill in the blank). I don’t really enjoy the things that disturb me. I go into this version that exists in another dimension, a fictional character that is similar to other fictional characters. Because I love stories.

I believe another aspect is to remain an observer. I don’t think commenting on other’s voice is for me anymore. At least for the time being. I guess if someone asks me for my opinion, I’ll decide if I give a response, or if I leave it at, “no comment”.

What do you think of this? Sometimes, when that time arrives, I might say, I’d prefer not to say. Same idea as no comment.

Philip, what did you mean when you said this? I might say, no comment.

In fact if you read these posts, you can see I for sure have a mood disorder. It’s amazing, and it’s also a curse. I feel like Beast, from Beauty and the Beast. Except, it’s just me, Beast. No Beauty. Aww, poor beast. Haha, no, please, don’t feel bad for me. That’s another point I believe I want to be consistent about. Do not pity me or feel bad for me. I’m grateful for you reading. These posts are just points throughout the adventures I live. It’s not leading to anything. I don’t even know how these adventures end, or if the adventures never end.

I believe death might be a transition from point to point. From Earth to somewhere else. Many people say many things about this. From Earth to nothing, from Earth to Heaven or Hell, from Earth to Valhalla, from Earth back to Earth. I have no idea. That’s my opinion, I have no clue. I don’t want to know before I die. No thanks. I’m alive, and as far as I know, I’m going to live forever. I’ll die, this version of my energy will cease to exist here on Earth, at some point in time. Although I feel my energy will just, transition. Point A to point B. What happens when I reach Z? I have no idea, and I’m not concerned about figuring it out.

If I write I stay on this craft that is writing. I want to only express what I enjoy, although I do sometimes speak from an abyss of despair, madness, and chaos.

What do I want in life?

To never stop being able to tell stories.

All I want to do is write. Spend time with contented people (fingers crossed). If I don’t spend time with people, it is what it is. It’s not good or bad or ugly. Time really is an illusion. When I let time freak me out, I speak from that chaotic place. Then I meditate. I get back on the path I’m supposed to be on, my lane, so to speak.

Really, I also want to relax. To do nothing, think of nothing, just exist, without thought or opinion of anything or anyone. To be. To breathe. To just, live without concern. Sometimes, I do that. I speak from that eternal place as well.

Alrighty, enough from me for now. I’m on one today, though. I need to write, yaaaagh.

Pan the god with a Flute.

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