I think about something Stephen King gave to readers in his non-fiction book, On Writing. He said to be a writer, you’ve got to write a lot and read a lot.
I still have that book. I think it’s time to read it again, or at least read the second half, which is craft advice, versus the mini bio of Stephen King as a person and writer.
I’m going to stay away from making blanket statements. Sometimes, I am one with the wisdom I speak. The problem for me is, I cannot maintain my sanctity. Many tactics are used to combat the demons within.
I know that I trick myself into believing that, when I see people chatting on Twitter, I sometimes fool myself into believing everyone is yucking it up all day long, and everyone is having a grand ole time. The reality is not this illusion, the reality is people are interacting about the same amount as anyone else, or, interacting less.
I must maintain staying here. I come back to tweet and look at Twitter because I miss those I’ve connected with. And I have big dreams of connecting with people I have yet to know.
The reality as it is for me, is that that might not be possible. Sometimes, that really bothers me, to my core. I get all emotional (mood disorder) and I go Darth Vader on everyone.
I read somewhere that YOU DO NOT want to be Darth Vader. That is SO TRUE. I hate when I feel myself being like Darth Vader. Because the truth is, in those moments I am filled with anger, fear, rage, fire. I feel like I’m burning alive. Now, ask yourself, does that sound like a good time? Of course it doesn’t. The bad guy, is a miserable self-loathing source of a black hole.
It’s not okay to lose it… I lose it, and I lose people, I lose support. Well no shit, red rider. I know that. That’s why I’m still trying to arrest the demons within. To find some contented state of mind when life stresses me to the point of breaking.
The whole Hanzo aka Scorpion thing is for me to learn to control the hellfire. It’s not cool, or hip… I don’t dig it. Although, it’s needed. I went to hell so as to learn a lesson I couldn’t on Earth. Yes, of course I’m still actually here on Earth- I’m sitting on a chair in the dining room of the house. But in an imaginative way, I imagine that I have to journey through different realities. To better understand how to control my psyche.
I’m not asking for your help or support. I must conquer this on my own. It’s always been me, to conquer the evil inside me. When I do, I want to continue my monk lifestyle. Dogs and a roommate. Me and the books, and the keyboard. I can count on these things to help me, when people are busy or unavailable.