Was overall an amazing fucking day. See, I’m going to say shit, fuck, ass- because I’m sober, and sometimes swear words help me achieve the rush I seek. Also, this is day 2. I am but a newborn sober baby. I’m in my infancy, the beginning stages of a life free from substances.
I did break 3 days, and 19 hours sober from cannabis tonight. I was fortunate enough for my roommate to give me an advance to grab a cart filled with THC. I took one baby puff, and felt like I was on the fucking moon, almost right after coughing my brains out. I just took two more baby puffs about fifteen minutes ago. That’s it for tonight. That’s all I require.
I’m going to lower my cannabis usage as much as possible, as often as I can, so as to be clear-headed and sharp for a longer portion of the day. Cannabis, I feel, has never affected my writing in a negative way. However, I’m seeing what life is like more sober than not. Sober from mind-altering substances. Surprisingly, I don’t think tobacco or caffeine are mind-altering substances, but even they are deadly dangerous if consumed in extreme amounts.
A good Canadian buddy of mine has been doing his best to quit smoking cigarettes. From what I can observe, he’s doing great- hasn’t been smoking cigarettes. Maybe he’s had a relapse with a pack, here or there, I dunno- maybe he hasn’t. The point is, he’s rocking it. It does seem make a positive difference for him, his mood, and brain health. Brain health is what Author Mark Tullius coined, a friendlier version of mental health. The reason, Mark explains, is our brains, must first be healthy- then, our mental health follows suite like clockwork. A healthy brain creates a healthy mental state. Made perfect sense to me. That’s just me though, not saying it’s a pure truth, like mathematics, but it made complete and total sense when I consumed it.
I also need to starve my lust. I lust over women, transexual men who now women, to me, are still women. I mean to say, a man who is a transexual woman, can and might turn me on. I’m good with it. I’m not here to argue the Eros within me. However… I’m financially destitute at this point. Which means I cannot provide for whoever turns me on, the way this individual deserves to be provided for. I don’t mean to say I’m paying for everything. I do mean to say when I’m with my person, I want to live comfortably. Put food on the table when it’s time to eat, as we see it fit. Purified water would be nice, to have again. Being able to pay for all the bills. To own stuff, with money I earned.
I’m not there, yet. Not yet. I see now, that one book, isn’t enough. I think in secret I was going to just write one book. I did it, so there. No, that’s not enough for who I am sober. I remember when I was sober way before, I had dreams to create many novels and short stories. That’s what I’m going to do. Depends on how fast I write each book. Faster I write the damn things, the more I’ll pump out within each given year. Why do I want to do that, at my core? Because it brings me profound joy. I can lose myself in the art, the craft of writing and storytelling. It’s the best to me. Reading books is also the best. Music too. It’s going to be another ten years or so.
And that’s why I’m doing the daily sober log. For my brain health. For my body’s health. Overall, I want to be healthy, on all fronts. I must be aggressive in balanced health. I now want to live long enough to write like, at least fifteen or sixteen books. Anyway…
Be back again tomorrow. Keep coming back. Something I used to hear in AA/NA meetings.