I Deserve This aka Humility
Without working the steps in the big book, it’s pointless. I’m not here to say the big book is for every single person. There are many ways to skin a cat, so to speak- I’d never harm a kitten. I see old kittens as baby kittens. Time doesn’t change animal beings. They might slow down, and have health issues. However their energy is always so pure. I love cats, dogs, lizards, snakes spiders. Bunnies and hamsters. All sentient life form. Even a fly, is not a chaotic being. Just rewire how we see things by being unattached to emotions. Emotions are not of the craft. Sure, we use and abuse emotional discord within fiction, however- in real life, do the exact opposite.
Leave emotions alone.
Be. Do. Exist. Live.
I overthink too much. These words, these sentences forming ideas in paragraphs… It’s just what helps me find peace within. I want to transcend my ego. Does that make sense? However, I’m not trying. I just do. I be. I exist. I live. If, I stay HUMBLE. And, GRATEFUL. I might just do the impossible. Maybe. I’m not worried about maybes, I don’t give them the time of day or night.
I do. I exist. I live.
Or, simply- Do. Exist. Live. It’s more universal that way, ain’t it, me mateys?
There’s This Song, by Post Malone…
I believe the song is called, Circles. As in, “we’re just running in circles”, as in- this is stupid, we’re not moving forward, we’re not evolving together as a couple.
If I cannot grow with someone else, I must first look inward. Am I selfish? That’s one question I ask myself on a moment to moment basis, every day I’m alive.
The less attached I am to people or things, the less selfish I am as a human being.
I’ve mentioned going with, “maybe”, if there’s a mysterious energy surrounding someone, or something. Maybe means, I have no clue what’s what. Maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that. Either way, I’m open to everything, attached to nothing. When I know something isn’t working, I become unattached. This doesn’t mean I give up, or stop engaging with others.
One thing I learned from a street wise person was, “spread the hustle”. Reach far and wide, don’t just focus on the same people every day. Spread my wings, and shit on as many lands as possible. Lol. Of course that was said in jest, I don’t aim to shit on anyone. I aim to connect with as many sentient human beings as possible. And show compassion for all.
I fight against lust. It’s energy that’s never done me any good. When I give in to lust, chase that lust, and am with that lust…Then, I’ve lost my way. The Jedi, were celibate- meaning, they did not have sexual relations with any other being. Hell, I don’t know, maybe the Jedi didn’t even masturbate. Which to me seems beyond reckoning, even without the lust thing going on, I…Uh…I masturbate once every blue moon. I think it’s healthy for the body. Orgasms are a healthy release, but- again…All things in moderation.
The song, Circles, by Post Malone- has this one specific line of verse, it goes, “you thought that it was special, but it was just the sex, though”… Got damn, that hit me hard the first time I heard it. Because, for some reason, I’m a lover. I mean, I’m a passionate lover. I have fire in my belly, and, from reviews, I guess I’m not halfway bad in between the sheets. HOWEVER…
Something I know now, is, my relationships should not be founded in Eros. I think our word Erotic comes from Eros. There’s a time and place for that stuff, indeed. Without it, we humans probably wouldn’t be creating babies the way we do. Lol. Again, for me, it should not be a relationship founded in lust. I don’t want to use colloquial names, such as babe, sweetie, sweetheart, cutie. It seems to diminish the true nature of the individual. I guess even with my platonic men friends, I will try not to use: dude, man, bro. I want to say the person’s name, or- they know I’m speaking with whoever it is, directly, one on one. When I refer to another person in conversation, I don’t say, “yeah- you know, that one dude from the taco shop”, or, “bro…That one chick, big knockers? You know the chick I’m talking about”. That kind of dialect was best left back in the days of high school.
I want my relationships to be founded in things such as: we both love to read. We both love to write. We both love the outdoors. We both love animals. Tv shows, movies, music. And to adore that person for the person they are. Odds are, we will agree to disagree. That’s okay, that’s part of life. We’re diverse, celebrating oneness. I’m different, you’re different, and that’s beautiful. To dance together, vibe with the music that makes us feel alive. It could be Reggae in Jamaica, I’d be all for it. With cannabis or without cannabis.
Spread your wings. Knowledge, is power. The more educated we are about cultures, and how people are beautifully different, but more or less, the same- we can open ourselves to more possibilities.
I will always and forever be a student of knowledge, and compassion. Knowledge is not mortal, nor is it limited. Knowledge and compassion are two ideals that I can forever improve within. I can always learn to be more compassionate towards my fellow human beings, and I can always learn something new, to become more knowledgeable. I want to apply what I know, to be as much like a Jedi as I can. Wisdom is the fruit of my mind’s eye. To spread good vibes, as a fellow person, to other people, is what I desire. Be it through oration, or narration in the written word. However. It could be a smile. A nod of the head. Reading someone else’s work and give praise. The sky is the limit. The sky becomes space. The universe. Galaxies. Black holes, oh my.
There’s nothing new under the sun. However…
You are unique. The more you do anything, the better you’ll become at whatever it is you do. In my mind, great works are similar, yet different. They seem like this or that, but no- this is it’s own thing. The Count of Monte Cristo, reminds me of, The Gladiator. Similar, yet completely different stories, in different places. I’m just saying, both of those stories, are great works of art. Just an example of what I’m trying to show you, by saying- you are unique. Be relatable, and be specifically you, all at once.
I didn’t develop this word flow overnight. Seemingly, i’ve been told I have an aptitude for this writing business… That’s nice. I don’t let shit like that go to my head. My head is larger than most as I am a giant, but- I don’t got no big head on my shoulders. In fact, I make it a point to rarely bring up my physical appearance, as that is completely irrelevant to my purpose in life, at this time. Maybe it’ll have some positive use at some point, but for now- it doesn’t really matter to me. Not enough to bring it up outside of self deprecation. I figure it’s best to make fun of myself, that way (fingers crossed) I don’t accidentally shit on someone else’s feelings. Cus we all got those feelings don’t we. Some people are sensitive, fragile beings they are. Try to consider the fragile and sensitive folk before saying anything. At least that’s what I try to do. Unfortunately, sometimes- at least someone is going to be upset by what I said. I figure, that’s on that person. Tough titty, is what I would say. I’ll never be able to please everyone, which, kinda bums me out…But I’m not stressing that fact of life, anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s the same for all of us. No one can please everyone, shit- look at God. Poor creator. Lol. Sorry God, you really stir the pot for humans, I’ll tell ya what. Alas, God, is not a person. Maybe God appears as a person at times. But I don’t think that’s what matters. God, the Devil, Buddha, Gandhi- any of these can guide us. I find I do my best, when I’m guided by what seems to be the most relevant to me and any community. So far Buddhism has been working really well for me. Compassion and respect for all sentient life forms. I think sentient means, conscious. Existing the way we’re “supposed” to. So like, getting high all day and not doing a damn thing… I guess that’s, uh- I don’t know. We should both probably go over to dictionary . com and see what the definition for sentient, is.
I’ve talked your brain off enough, for now. Hehe.
No Rationale For B.S.
I’m done rationalizing bull shit. To rationalize bull shit ideas would make me a shit talker. Fuck that noise.
The past four days, since Sunday, I’ve had a few hours each day spent on drinking beer.
The thing is, I’m better than alcohol. Yet, it’s really tough, because, I like the way alcohol makes me feel. I’d say I’ve been in control, but that’s not really true. The fuck it attitude I can take at times doesn’t help me. That’s how I’ll drink sixteen or more beers, and still seem functional.
I’ve not had more than eight twelve ounce beer beverages in any of the past four days. Today, I’m going to do my best. I’m going to know instead of believing, know that alcohol isn’t necessary.
I have to rewire my brain. It’s time to live as sober as I can be. Because, I’m convinced, I’m a better version of myself without alcohol. I’ve tried many times to be me, drunken me, and it always ends in shit. That’s why, I figure, I should really consider not drinking as much. One of these days, I hope to not consume alcohol at all. Not even one twelve ounce can of beer.
I really do love ice cold water. I also love unsweetened tea.
Coffee, yes, but my friend Mark Tullius mentioned, “all things in moderation”. Not his exact words, but- too much coffee isn’t healthy. Logic tells me, to be kind to my body and brain. Because going hard with drinking coffee or smoking cannabis, isn’t the look I want either. I’m not Wiz Khalifa, nor am I Logic, or Eminem. I’m not Kendrick Lamar, or Joyner Lucas. I’m Philip Webb, or, Dietrich Dash, when I write articles supporting cannabis as medicine, for some types of folks. I’m a certain type of folk, cannabis has saved my life many times, therefore- other folks who might be of a similar type of folk to my folk, might also benefit a great amount from using cannabis. There’s CBD and THC. Indicas and Sativas. There are hybrid strains. Not all cannabis has the same effect, which I find fascinating.
As Philip Webb, I’m someone who is working on himself. I’m not shut down for maintenance, but I am in the laboratory. I am at the drawing board, so to speak. I will find a method, a worldview, that keeps me balanced. I will stand against oppression, I will stand with those who’ve been given an unfair disadvantage, based on how society deems us worthy or not. I believe we all have the potential within to be someone, someone who brings good vibes into the world. We help each other, and, even if I’m helping without help, I’m good with that. Gandhi said, “become the change you wish to see in others”. That’s, amazing. I love that idea. Diversity in oneness. We can look different, sound different, deliver our energy in different ways. With this, we can also unify. We can work towards celebrating everyone’s achievements, even if it was that person cleaning up the house. Or getting the kids to school on time.
I think it might seem strange, to uplift others. I don’t worry too much about that, now. Some people, might have some paranoia surrounding compliments from a stranger. Which, isn’t unwarranted. However, things, us humans- we are complicated, complex beings with a human mind. My advice to myself is, don’t over think too much. I keep bashing that mantra into my head, eventually the bastard concept will find a secure unison with my brain. I mean, I need that in my life. I need to NOT think so much. Use it to my advantage, by writing words.
I’ve got this short story I’m writing. It’s been a minute or two since I’ve written fiction. It’s tough to get back into, but not impossible. Again, I must force myself to do it. If I don’t, it won’t happen. And that’s not okay for me. I love fiction writing, therefore- gotta make it happen. Gotta do it.
That’s it. I’ll catch you all later.
On Day 6
Today, I remain sober to succeed in sobriety from alcohol for six days. I’m not sure, six, or 6, or six6six. Haha. Just kidding, come on now.
I’m kinda jazzed today. Razz a mat hap-hazardous jams.
However, I’m down for the sobriety-ness. I want the best for me. I want to be kind to myself, be healthy in my brain, and a healthy body.
I’ve been eating a lot of fish lately. Some rice. Peanuts. It’s a work in progress, although at least it’s not Taco Hell everyday. I love the Bell, but…It’s kinda (definitely) not the healthiest choice around.
Here at some point I’m going to brave a new blank word document, where I will fill the empty space with words of fiction. I’m excited to write fiction today. I’m ready to do the damn thing.
That’s it. Hope you all have a great weekend. Enjoy.
Day 3, Part One
It’s now 9:15 am I got solid sleep, now I feel much better. Sleep sometimes eludes me, although, I’m aware of how important a proper night’s rest is for me.
It’s now 3:38 pm, and I am once again tired. I’m content, and tired.
Still sober from alcohol. At some point I won’t mention my sobriety as much, although for the time being it helps me to remain in a peaceful state of being, without a desire to drink beer.
I have a short story I plan to write as soon as my brain is ready to rock. I’m super excited to write this story I have in mind. I look forward to sharing with you when that time comes.
Otherwise, it’s time for me to relax. I plan to buy some food before I go to sleep for the night. Eat some of that food before I go to sleep. I’m also excited to eat some healthy food.
See you next time.
Sleep will not happen
I guess the reason for this no-sleep mode is beyond me. Now I’m doing my best to remain chill. I did take another couple baby hits of cannabis. Just inhaled an entire cigarette to the lungs. I’m still good enough that I don’t have a strong urge or sensation to want to drink beer.
The craving to drink beer usually kicks in if I become depressed in an extreme way. Manic depression is what that’s called I believe. However, even in the manic depression, I don’t have to drink. It’s not necessary to drink beer when I experience manic depression. I think, if I don’t drink beer, will I surely die? I will not surely die. I’ll be alright. I’ll be, okay. I’ll push through it. I always do, always will. Manic depression will not kill me, only I can kill me, in regards to suicide.
Of course, it’s possible someone else might kill me. Without a doubt I will die in this life. Not drinking beer will only prolong my newfound desire to live my life. I now accept myself. I don’t have to worry about the past. I focus on the present to secure a promise of an amazing tomorrow. When I do fall asleep I can wake knowing I wrote this extra unplanned post.
Even with the brain injury I have, I know there’s always a choice. The best choice while I am awake will continue to be sobriety from alcoholic substances. I don’t care if I get little to no sleep. It will pass. I catch up on the rest. I’m not worried about it. In fact, there’s another great choice for me. I will continue not to worry. Worry causes fear and anxiety and stress, within me. Those feelings are nasty and violent- they could kill me too. Best to avoid those feelings altogether, by simply not worrying about anything.
I don’t have to worry about saying something that will ruin my reputation. I don’t know if you realize how much I worried about that. I worried the most about my drinking, continued to drink- no shit I was so nervous and worried. I had no control over my mental fortitude to be healthy in the brain.
Mark Tillius the author says this in his book TBI or CTE: What the Hell is Wrong With Me? He says, healthy brain equals for mental health. If my brain is healthy, fit, and a beast for positive, feel good vibes, I know for sure I’m coming out the gate like a… Like the person I always knew I was.
It’s so strange how it works. Fuck my fucking fucker named ego. Fuck you ego. Every moment I am present in you will no longer exist. You’re an illusion, ego- you’re a fraud. I will not allow my ego to hold me back anymore. To prove it, I will daily be showing you, that my ego no longer controls me. So simple, yet so complex. I mean to say, for me, that is- I think it’s both simple and complex at the same time. Do they co-exist? I dunno. Let’s leave that to people smarter than I am, to figure it out.
This is me journaling what helps and what I will not allow in my life. Funny how not once have I mentioned any other human being or multiple human beings as being a cause for my problems. Again, fuck my ego. It’s all about, fucking my ego so hard and extreme that my ego can’t do shit. I got fuck up my ego so bad I put that mother fucker in the E.R., on life support. My ego can’t breathe, my ego can’t talk, my ego can’t hear. That’s right, my ego. Every damn time that’s how I’mma do you over. Every time my ego tries to step, or get all froggy- it’s routine soon to become ritual… Ego can’t talk, Ego can’t hear, Ego can’t see. Ego is therefore irrelevant.
HA!! Stay down, my ego! Stay down! Stay down, punk ass lame ass bitch! HA!
That’s all I can journal. I’m still not tired, although I can sense that it’s time to end this post.
Was overall an amazing fucking day. See, I’m going to say shit, fuck, ass- because I’m sober, and sometimes swear words help me achieve the rush I seek. Also, this is day 2. I am but a newborn sober baby. I’m in my infancy, the beginning stages of a life free from substances.
I did break 3 days, and 19 hours sober from cannabis tonight. I was fortunate enough for my roommate to give me an advance to grab a cart filled with THC. I took one baby puff, and felt like I was on the fucking moon, almost right after coughing my brains out. I just took two more baby puffs about fifteen minutes ago. That’s it for tonight. That’s all I require.
I’m going to lower my cannabis usage as much as possible, as often as I can, so as to be clear-headed and sharp for a longer portion of the day. Cannabis, I feel, has never affected my writing in a negative way. However, I’m seeing what life is like more sober than not. Sober from mind-altering substances. Surprisingly, I don’t think tobacco or caffeine are mind-altering substances, but even they are deadly dangerous if consumed in extreme amounts.
A good Canadian buddy of mine has been doing his best to quit smoking cigarettes. From what I can observe, he’s doing great- hasn’t been smoking cigarettes. Maybe he’s had a relapse with a pack, here or there, I dunno- maybe he hasn’t. The point is, he’s rocking it. It does seem make a positive difference for him, his mood, and brain health. Brain health is what Author Mark Tullius coined, a friendlier version of mental health. The reason, Mark explains, is our brains, must first be healthy- then, our mental health follows suite like clockwork. A healthy brain creates a healthy mental state. Made perfect sense to me. That’s just me though, not saying it’s a pure truth, like mathematics, but it made complete and total sense when I consumed it.
I also need to starve my lust. I lust over women, transexual men who now women, to me, are still women. I mean to say, a man who is a transexual woman, can and might turn me on. I’m good with it. I’m not here to argue the Eros within me. However… I’m financially destitute at this point. Which means I cannot provide for whoever turns me on, the way this individual deserves to be provided for. I don’t mean to say I’m paying for everything. I do mean to say when I’m with my person, I want to live comfortably. Put food on the table when it’s time to eat, as we see it fit. Purified water would be nice, to have again. Being able to pay for all the bills. To own stuff, with money I earned.
I’m not there, yet. Not yet. I see now, that one book, isn’t enough. I think in secret I was going to just write one book. I did it, so there. No, that’s not enough for who I am sober. I remember when I was sober way before, I had dreams to create many novels and short stories. That’s what I’m going to do. Depends on how fast I write each book. Faster I write the damn things, the more I’ll pump out within each given year. Why do I want to do that, at my core? Because it brings me profound joy. I can lose myself in the art, the craft of writing and storytelling. It’s the best to me. Reading books is also the best. Music too. It’s going to be another ten years or so.
And that’s why I’m doing the daily sober log. For my brain health. For my body’s health. Overall, I want to be healthy, on all fronts. I must be aggressive in balanced health. I now want to live long enough to write like, at least fifteen or sixteen books. Anyway…
Be back again tomorrow. Keep coming back. Something I used to hear in AA/NA meetings.
This past weekend, alcohol once again put me in a negative mental state. My brain health was low, I was acting out like a child.
I’m not saying without alcohol, I’m going to be perfect. I am saying that without alcohol, 99.9 percent of disaster I cause will be no more.
I’m going to journal each day that I’m sober from alcohol. I’m going to make this a brain health journal. I want to journal what helps, what triggers me, and how I overcome the triggers to drink beer.
Smoking very little weed lately, as finances are not there for me to acquire cannabis. That’s alright, I figure that’s what the universe wants for the time being. I’ve got a smidge of concentrate left in a cart, so that’s cool at least.
So far today, I’ve just been relaxing. I’ve been playing Mortal Kombat Mobile. I’m about to read for some time.
I’m going to give myself thirty days sober from beer before I begin writing fiction again. Maybe at least three weeks.
For now this is my priority. I’ve been sober from beer all day today so far. This is me working on gaining one day of sobriety from alcohol.
I need to stop drinking beer. It’s the worst possible thing for me.
Thanks for sticking around. I hope maybe the stuff that helps me be in a better mental state of mind can also help others.
Can’t seem to dose off tonight. I like this title, dunno if I’m sold on it 100 percent, but it’s halfway there.
I’m going to begin to write fiction here. Why not. I have to try something different, since my views/visitors stats have gone down by a significant amount.
That’s it really. I’m done with non-fiction for the time being.
The next post will be a fictional short story, maybe a micro short, maybe a long-ass short. It all depends on what’s going on in the brain when I begin to clack away at the keyboard.
Enjoy your weekend.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (I do many things).
What The Hell Happened?
Laugh out loud. I wrote a post yesterday, to reveal more about me and my actual name. For some reason, I can’t find the post in my drafts, or published posts. Huh.
Well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Not at this time. Maybe the God of the Internet knew it wasn’t the right time to say what I was going to say.
Have a great day!
I may or may not write some shit today, besides this mini update.
See ya next time,